Today, I was given an unexpected shock. I go to church every Sunday. This Sunday, I attended as usual but was met with a surprise. The priest stood in front of the congregation and informed us of his epiphany. He had realised that he did not really believe in God and that he was wasting his time as a preacher. The church was closed from now on and the priest was converting it into an Italian restaurant.
Today, I came into work and everyone kept looking at me. My workplace has a strict dress code. Everyone must wear a suit. I looked at myself, nothing was wrong. It was not until the mid-afternoon, when my boss called me into his office, that I realised what was wrong. I had a ketchup stain on the torso of my chest. I was sent home to change. My face was burned with shame as my colleagues watched me walk out the door.
Today, I went shopping. I love shirts. Specifically, I love floral shirts. The more exciting the pattern, the more I love it. I was on the hunt for a new specimen. The shopkeeper was wearing a particularly beautiful shirt, covered with a daffodil pattern. I asked how much he wanted for it. The shopkeeper told me it was his shirt and was not for sale. In a fit of jealous rage, I tore the pocket off the shirt and ripped a hole in it. Now, neither of us could have it.
Today, my brain started to play tricks on me. My job revolves around spreadsheets. Every hour of every working day, I stare at my computer screen and crunch numbers. This has become a sickness. Earlier, when I lay down to go to sleep, all I could see were spreadsheets when I close my eyes. When I dreamt, all I could dream about were squares and numbers. I need to quit my job.
Could you please stop using me as an excuse to makeout with each other for two hours? Have some respect and watch me!
We just learned what ‘Netflix & Chill’ means. You NASTY!
Sure, I’m tired, but there’s Netflix to watch, so back off.
We haven’t been with a woman in years because of you
I love you more than my boyfriend, and he’s the one buying you for me. Love, Women
You can do whatever you want. Our bean water is cheap.
Sincerely, Dunkin’ Donuts
We need you on your best behavior, we’re going to be charging some stupid people $5 a cup for you
Dear Things Not On Sale
Please I’m going to make you wish you never existed.
Sincerely, A Woman Going Shopping